Food Fight

I must admit, I'm not much of a chef
Whether spaghetti, potatoes, polenta or spam
Rattle the pots and pans till I'm deaf
I still can't cook worth a damn

When the steak is supposed to look brown
I somehow manage to make it green
I can't even try to choke it down
Maybe I should watch more Paula Deen?

I think that maybe I missed my true calling
As a maker of poisons and traps
My attempts at confections would have my foes falling
I think I'd make a great spy, perhaps.

It's better then, that I stick to food that's frozen
It's especially hard to screw up
What's that ominous sound from the oven?
I think the lasagna just blew up!